Nobody Knows

The need to be known

2009-05-27T01:19:00.000-07:00

What does it look like this need to be known?
A smile along with an encouraging word that tells the world you want to be known.
That is the norm for all who can smile and show this desire.
What if it shows up as over anxious talk and the inability to meet your stare?
Does it make it any less powerful a desire than those who can talk your talk?
It can be so different for everyone but I think that all of us share it just the same.

Some who need to be known block the process at every turn just with the emotion or lack there of thus causing the other who is supposed to be looking to turn away instead.
Some are so overwhelmed that they become dumbstruck at the first sign that someone is noticing them or a reaction that they may have had.

I need to be known and tonight I am vowing to be watching for others who share this need. I have been holding back waiting for someone to notice, but I noticed a long time ago and now the work begins.

Silence

2008-12-12T10:35:00.000-08:00

I was faithful beyond comprehension to a man who could care less about me.

I rooted this faithfulness on the words that he said to me, he knew what to say to keep me hanging on even when there was nothing whatsoever left to hang on to.

This is because I am scared of silence, I always have been. There is too much unknowing in silence. Something will spring out of it if it’s not filled and soon. That is what I have always thought. It’s deep seeded in me and I know where it comes from but what good has that done me???

I am trying today to find peace in the silence, the void, because I believe that is truly what I’ve been afraid of for so long. The peace that is offered, I’m not good enough for it somehow.

Tree Trimming

2008-12-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

Last night, Megan and I set up our little white Christmas tree while we watched the cartoon version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. We hung our stockings and reminisced over where we got the ornaments as we hung them. There is something so comforting in the tradition. A tangible tie to all the Christmases that have past.
It's also a hard time because of the divorce, we always find ornaments that remind us of the separation from the Christmases that have past. This year we didn't sort through the ones from many years gone by just they ones from our past here in Texas.
We enjoyed each other, admired our tree, and yelled at the cat so that she would stay off our tree. It was a nice night.

Thank you, God.

From Grease to Mama Mia

2008-08-14T08:01:00.001-07:00

The first musical I remember watching was Grease, my eleven year old self left that theater feeling as if I could do anything that I wanted...anything.
I went and watched Mama Mia the other night and I absolutely loved it! Musicals make me feel triumphant, because when the actors sing a song with a enough emphasis and conviction it makes it seem as if they are really getting something accomplished. Usually I associate the accomplishment with a discovery and a discovery is always very exciting even if it has just the most fleeting of effects. I sometimes yearn to feel as triumphant as I did when I was eleven, the triumph that comes from new discoveries. I felt a little of that as I watched Mama Mia the other night, it was fun!

Nights like these

2008-04-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

I finished my term paper for Historical Perspectives on Psychology earlier this afternoon. I struggled and fussed with that paper longer than I like to admit. It is done now though and I feel no peace cause tomorrow there is more to handle and more to worry about than I'd like too. I feel so alone in this fight called life. I see other people enjoying it but I'm too closed down now, everything is just a hassle.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my son goes down to the mission to line up for food when he is hungry. I am so ashamed that he is living that way, just doing anything to get by. I can't seem to get over it.
There is so much pain in this life. I wish I could run away from it, but it always seems to follow. Oh, what I wouldn't do to change things for my son.
Everything happens for a reason, that's what I believe, that's what I have to hang on to, but it doesn't make it any easier on nights like these.

What Sissy and I Talked About

2007-11-17T11:10:00.001-08:00

My precious BABY. Megan aka Sissy will always be MY baby. She wants to move forward, she has to. Life moves, its a rule. We grow and change constantly. When Sis was small she would come to me and ask what I wanted her to say, eat, or wear when the decision was just too hard for her to make. Sometimes she still asks what I think she should say, eat, or wear ....but not quite as often. She has made a big decision that I was consulted on and agreed to but now my insides are shaking. She has enough credits to graduate early if she takes a night class this term. She wants out of high school, she's done with it. High school has never really been her thing anyway and she wants out as quick as she can. She decided to get her associates degree at a community college and then transfer her credits to a university later. When I got up this morning she had print-outs from various community colleges here and in Oregon, she stayed up late doing research about them. I just assumed when she said community college she meant here in Texas. I was excited because that gave me some more time to get used to this growing up thing she keeps doing. Since she is young, I still have some pull. I think its best she stay here and go to college, at least until she is 18. Sissy, could you just ask me what to say, eat, or wear? Those are the decisions I am good at.

Riding the bus

2007-09-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

I am a basket case, well at the very least a stressed out mess. I'm good with this fact most of the time, but because of it I must find ways not to stress myself anymore than usual. One way I've started doing that lately is by riding the bus to school. I travel 40 miles round-trip to my school three times a week. Last term this stressed me out because I was having a terrible time paying for the gas. I've found the bus has relieved my stress in more ways than just financially. I love the ride, it takes me 1 hour and 25 minutes to get to school and I have all this time to read and listen to my music. Its perfect for me because I never take enough time to just listen to music, too busy stressing myself out, and also because I am getting so much more reading done both for school and for pleasure. It's funny to me how I will only do the things that I enjoy when I am forced in to them, like during the long bus ride. Hmmmm, very interesting.

OK, maybe 38 is older.

2007-06-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

I have refused to acknowledge the fact that I am aging just as everyone else does. Tonight I surrender!
Meg and I wanted to order pizza for her dinner and I was planning on leaving the house. I didn't want to leave my debit/credit card with her so I told her to ask if the pizza place would take a check. Megan did so and the girl on the other end of the phone asked: "a what?"Megan said "a check, you know to pay for the food, will you take a check?" The girl on the other end of the phone replied "oh, them we don't take them."
Now I realise that checks are quickly becoming obsolete but for the teenage pizza girl not to even know what it was? Come on...for Pete's sake... what the heck? Maybe it's just me but things sure do change quickly, don't they? Oh probably not, I am just trying to hang on to what is familiar I guess.

One small step across the country, one giant leap for my baby girl

2007-05-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am a person of great extremes, my baby girl however is not. She has rode the waves of my guidance be it good and bad. There are many days that I pray for her to be strong, safe and more intelligent than I have been at making her life decisions. I came to Dallas to be near some of the greatest people that I know. It was an easy decision for me to come to because thats how I do things, in great leaps I decide, hmmm I think I'll pack up the half of my family that I am still allowed to live with, sell everything I own except what fits in my wonderful old Chrysler and move two thousand and some odd miles away from the town I thought I'd never leave. I didn't get truly scared until I'd been here awhile, then I started worrying that I'd made a huge mistake. Megan made it perfectly clear that she thought I had. Slowly but surely the love that helped raise my sisters and touched me from afar for all those years began to soften my tough little girl. Yesterday at church she approached one of those lovely people, of her own accord and gave him a hug. For those of you who know my girl, you all know that this was nothing short of amazing, her walls slowly coming down and allowing people to love her. Be soft and gentle Megan, just as one book tells me thats the meaning of your name. It's the best way to live as I too am slowly but surely realizing. I'm grateful for the way God teaches us, His love is limitless.

Compassionate

2007-04-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

I think if I were given the task of describing myself with just one word that word would be compassionate. Passion being the root of the word just as I consider it to be my root. Too much passion if you ask me, but there it is each and every day. I never know quite what to do with it. I do know that a poem titled "Nobody Nowhere" written by an autistic author named Donna Williams pulls at my heart. I hope others will enjoy it also. Just click on the title of this blog and it will take you to her poem.

What about now?

2007-04-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's pleasing to tell of the good things.
What about the bad?
Hush! No one wants to hear.
Find your own way through.
Lean on the Lord.
Ignore the nasty thoughts that haunt you by day and by night.
Reach out, but don't hold on too tightly, don't infect my space.
Let me be, let me enjoy what I can, I have no idea what to offer you.
One day it will all be perfect, none of us will have to fret.
But, what about now??

The man that I love

2007-04-11T22:30:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I really understand the man that I love, he surprises me in some wonderful way.
It's taken me a while to really "get" him.
He communicates in a most unusual way.
He offers all of himself without hesitation or fear.
The generosity of this offer overwhelms me sometimes.
When I first met him I'd offer nothing more than what I was sure would not be used against me.
He uses nothing against me.
There are no games, just genuine love and consideration.
Amazing!

Opportunity?

2007-03-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

When the dentist's assistant told my girl that she would have to wear headgear with her braces she laughed. Then, upon realizing that the woman was serious, gave her one of the dirtiest looks that I ever have seen. She then turned to me and said that she would not be needing braces. The assistant and I just kept looking at one another, feeling sorry for my daughter but also trying to help her be reasonable. She wasn't even the slightest bit consoled by the fact that the headgear wouldn't need to be worn to school. I told my daughter to take advantage of this opportunity because she would probably be well into her adulthood before she could afford to do it herself. This reasoning seemed very logical to me but she wasn't going for it. Too bad they can't make braces with headgear a really cool combination. Can anybody think of a way to do that???

Driving With the Windows Rolled Down

2007-03-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

It is the perfect temperature outside tonight! I just came back from the video store with all the windows rolled down and the warm night air enveloping me. It made me remember the first winter I spent here in Texas, I would roll my windows all the way down at night in December and January just because I could. Its luxiourious to be so comfortable, I love the feeling!

2007-01-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

Fighter?

My sister told me that I was a fighter, just like my name, and that I always have been. Its true and I know it. Once I decide what I'm going for, being it positive or negative, I run headlong at it until its mine. I get down, so down sometimes that I detest my own thoughts. Underneath that though is a song that plays. The only words are "I will find my way through this." I don't doubt my song in the least. I have a bottomless pit of attitude, always have. The only problem with being a fighter as far as I can tell is that at times I forget to check with the Lord on whether or not I am fighting for the right thing. I'm checking tonight, Lord.

2006-12-11T22:54:00.000-08:00

Live on.....

A dear friend of my dear friends died a couple of weeks ago. When I heard about Nathan's death I felt led to attend his service, even though I'd never met him. I argued with that thought and with God as I prayed for the service, the family and whether or not I should attend. I consulted my sisters and all were in agreement that it would be a fine idea for me to go. As I walked in the church there was a large black and white photo of Nathan with his wife and child. At the bottom of the photo was written the date of his birth and death....he was only 23 years old. The wave of sadness that overcame made me a bit shaky. I knew that Nathan, along with many of his family members were Christians, so many would be at peace knowing that he was home. I still couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the fact that he was taken so young. The service was a celebration of his life and a reminder to all who were there to live and live fully, the way that Nathan always had. It impacted me deeply. I wept for the loss to his wife, child, and extended family but at the same time took comfort in God's promise that he is home with Him. Today I embrace the life that I've been given, I am remembering the zeal that I forgot due to my laziness. I am forever grateful for the moments I shared with Nathan and his family this weekend.

2006-12-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

Trying to get into .......

I am so blah lately, I want my zeal back. I believe that happiness is a choice not an emotion but why do I have to keep re-- choosing it everyday? I will figure this out...that's the one thing that I know for sure.

2006-11-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

Come In?
I'm surrounded by people but I'm always alone.
My walls are so thick but shiny like chrome.
Wanna come in? Can you face the test?
Oh, it's not worth it, let's move on to the next.
A more willing soul, one not tainted and twisted by pain.
The good ones don't need to see;its far too perverse.
The bad know already, in fact, some are troubled far worse.

2006-11-05T22:17:00.000-08:00

I don't like it when things are too easy. I find no comfort or satisfaction in gaining something with too little effort. Oh sure I get worn down at times but it seems the more run down I feel now, the more strength I feel during the next not so easy task. I love the feeling of being exhausted when I fall into bed at night. I love the kind of exhaustion that makes me practically cry at the thought of having to get out of bed to brush my teeth that I forgot due to such exhaustion. I am a complicated mess, and thats ok...........I added that last line after remembering what my last post was...how funny!

2006-10-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

Why am I doing this? Ramblings by Rocky
I want to learn or so I told myself, who am I kidding? I am not a scholar, could never be one. I loved learning at first but now its beginning to overwhelm me. I want to work, but all the work that I am qualified for sounds horrible, so I continue to learn. Where is the end? Its no where near, I can tell that much for sure. Am I too old for this? I know of older students than me. I can't talk like the other students talk, I don't have any confident answers to offer. These are the thoughts that have been rumbling around in my head all day. I'm tired today.

2006-10-16T09:22:00.000-07:00

Birthday party happenings that continue to make me smile.
1.The way Annie hugged Zach as he was opening the b-day gift that she had picked out for him.
2.The way Seth was almost pulsating with joy as he helped Zach open his gifts.
3.The way that Shawn patiently tried to restrain his brother Seth's pulsating joy, so that it wasn't too overwhelming.
4.Megan and any interaction that she has with the younger kids as she tries to stay aloof while being loving towards them at the same time.
5.Kirsty's home-made skateboard cake for her son.
6.Zach, Thomas, Shawn, and Seth screaming at the top of their lungs while beating each other up on Super Mario Smash Bro's.
7.Uncle Dickie and Little Scottie hiding dominos from each other.
8. Families enjoying each other as they celebrate together........It was a great night.

2006-10-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

Nobody Knows
I am a large person, and have been for most of my life. I worked hard to lose some of myself but have been at a standstill for some time now. When I talk about myself and my size with my nieces and nephews and various other small children I like to joke about how squishy I am or how fun it is to poke my "blub" as I lovingly refer to my side fat. They laugh hysterically and so do I as they continue to see if they can hide their whole fingers in my squishyness. I have been reprimanded more than once for referring to myself as fat or for calling my side fat by a nick name. I don't see why this should be an issue as long as I am ok with it all. Now I am not ok with weighing too much and will continue with my attempts to shrink my size but, in the meantime lets all just be ok with whatever name we should so choose for our bodies. Its all mine, I might as well enjoy the good parts ...like making the kids giggle.

2006-09-04T19:35:00.000-07:00

Insecurities...
I have taken on the role of head of household at the Beans. I drove my bubbly sister, Kirsty, and her quirky husband Scott to the airport today. They are flying over the atlantic as I post this, heading for England. Kirsty made up a song as we drove and it went something like this. " I am on my way to the airport to get in a plane and fly over the ocean to England, I have never done it before and I am really really excited, I am leaving all my cares behind." I am happy for her but cannot relate to her excitement over a 10 hour plane ride. Go Beans!!

I never see my niece Abbie looking insecure, I know she has been a time a two but she works really hard at hiding it. She asked me 10 million questions tonight, wanting me to map out ever detail of the next week and a half. I did the best I could but kept telling her that we would find our way and that all appointments would be met even with mom and dad gone. She went to bed wide eyed, looking very nervous. We prayed and she hugged me but I still get the feeling that she is not so sure about this arrangement. I will do my best to ease her fears.

Zach wanted me to show him on the map how far his parents had flown by the time he was going to bed. He is working very hard at being the man of the family, he took his dads words to heart. What a wonderful house full of Beans!!

2006-08-05T09:08:00.000-07:00

After a long break from posting on my blog, I am encoured by the prompts from my brother-in-law to get started again. Thanks Bean.

I am allergic to cats along with many other things that I haven't been tested for, but time and time again when I am around a cat, I get an allergy attack.
My daughter who prefers animals over people came home begging for a kitten recently. She told me that she'd been thinking and her theory was that if I was around cats continually, I would build an immunity and not be allergic anymore. I know it doesn't work this way. I also know that sometimes while looking into a pair of the most beautiful dark blue eyes that I've ever seen I lose all sense of reason. We have an adorable kitten living here. It makes us laugh with its antics. It also makes me cry if I get too close. My daughter is happier than she has been in ages. I am itchy and sneezy but thats the way that I am most of the time anyway. Its all good.

2006-07-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am in Klamath Falls, Oregon. The town I called home for most of my life. This place is stilled filled with many people that I love but I have never felt more out of place in my life.
For many years I was trapped in my home consumed by my fears and I am pretty sure that I know why now.
I never knew love and support the way that I know it now, thanks to all of my family and friends back HOME in Dallas. I am bawling as I write this post because I am so homesick.
The mantra of my life has returned, now stronger than ever......Live every moment no matter how big or how small.....
I am living and loving every moment that I am here, I am also learning through it all.
I pray continually for several of the people that I love, here in Klamath, to try this mantra out just once.

2006-06-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

Love....
I have been known to say that love sucks, when I do say this I am referring to the kind of love that most of the world knows. I grew up a hateful person, I didn't care who was in pain as long as it wasn't me. I didn't wish hurt on others but I would never go out of my way to watch my tongue or actions because I felt a right to get whatever I needed in the moment. My thought used to be , nobody else will get it for me so I'll take it by whatever means necessary. As far as I was concerned I was entitled to everything my heart desired or my flesh lusted after.
I know of a much different kind of love now. The love of my Savior that teaches me new depths of His love when I ask for it, and even when I rant and rave for it. I am once again in awe of how perfect His love for us is. Today I am basking in His endless compassion.

2006-05-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

I moved into the Linebarger home today to care for their children while they are out of the country. It's been a good but busy day. Mothering teenagers is much different from mothering younger children, (they actually want some attention). My first few hours with the girls were spent in a mini-van taking everyone where they needed to go. This is also a very different experience from driving around with my daughter. They had lots of questions for me, usually I am prying conversation out of my passenger, they had lots of ideas on what we should eat for dinner and not one girl could agree with the other. They all finally agreed to let me decide. The night came together very nicely though when after bedtime prayers and hugs Grace looked up at me and said, "you are kinda like my mom now"....I take this as a nice compliment considering that her mother truly inspires me with the caring way that she mothers her girls. I told Grace that I was just the pretend mom and that I would take care of her till the real one got back. We both giggled.

2006-05-08T06:03:00.000-07:00

Two classes left!! I will be a college graduate as of Wednesday when I will have officially completed all requirements towards my Associate in Arts degree. This has been a little longer road for me than for some of my 19 year old counterparts who take 20 hours, work full time, party, know everything there is to know about everything anyone could ever want to know anything about, and do it all while talking on their cell phones. The only thing that I had in common with many of my fellow students was the fact that once, I too, knew it all. There are still days that I like to claim that I actually do, but God taught me several years ago that is simply not the case. (thankfully)

2006-05-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

The doctor said bunyons, bone spurs, and arthritis.
Oh, great just what I wanted to hear! One sore spot on my foot and this is the diagnosis I get? Don't worry though, he said that if the treatments he gave me to try don't work I can just have surgery....NOT EVEN....I told him not to worry I would make the treatments work. I am not sure how many of you know it, but I am all powerful that way, or maybe I am just really stubborn. It's more likely to be something along those lines.

2006-05-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

"As for your children that you said would be taken as plunder. I will bring them in to enjoy the land you have rejected."
Numbers 14:31

2006-05-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

The way it is...
My son told my sister yesterday that Rocky couldn't be replaced, yes he calls me Rocky and has since the divorce.....but today that fact seems irrelevent. Today, I am grateful for sweet little remarks.

2006-05-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

Same...
Some of the things that I am most thankful for are the same things that make me the most angry ....losses which lead to lessens and pains that lead to growth.

2006-04-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

Beautiful nights with fireflies.

I grew up in Oregon and had only heard about fireflies but never got to experience them in all their glory until I moved to Texas. Tonight was yet another beautiful night that I had the privledge to share with one of my sisters and our good friend. Some would say there was nothing memorable about an hour or so taken out of one day to snap some pictures and eat fast food in a park. I say that these little details shared amongst friends mean everything. As we watched the sunsetting over the Dallas skyline my eyes drifted to the activity of the fireflies hovering over the grass. I am amazed at the bright light those tiny little bugs can emit. You have to pay close attention, though since that can't seem to let it shine for very long. I wonder why they shine, what purpose does it serve? I like to think they shine just for me to enjoy. Oh and for my sis and friend.