OK, maybe 38 is older.

I have refused to acknowledge the fact that I am aging just as everyone else does. Tonight I surrender!
Meg and I wanted to order pizza for her dinner and I was planning on leaving the house. I didn't want to leave my debit/credit card with her so I told her to ask if the pizza place would take a check. Megan did so and the girl on the other end of the phone asked: "a what?"Megan said "a check, you know to pay for the food, will you take a check?" The girl on the other end of the phone replied "oh, them we don't take them."
Now I realise that checks are quickly becoming obsolete but for the teenage pizza girl not to even know what it was? Come on...for Pete's sake... what the heck? Maybe it's just me but things sure do change quickly, don't they? Oh probably not, I am just trying to hang on to what is familiar I guess.

One small step across the country, one giant leap for my baby girl

I am a person of great extremes, my baby girl however is not. She has rode the waves of my guidance be it good and bad. There are many days that I pray for her to be strong, safe and more intelligent than I have been at making her life decisions. I came to Dallas to be near some of the greatest people that I know. It was an easy decision for me to come to because thats how I do things, in great leaps I decide, hmmm I think I'll pack up the half of my family that I am still allowed to live with, sell everything I own except what fits in my wonderful old Chrysler and move two thousand and some odd miles away from the town I thought I'd never leave. I didn't get truly scared until I'd been here awhile, then I started worrying that I'd made a huge mistake. Megan made it perfectly clear that she thought I had. Slowly but surely the love that helped raise my sisters and touched me from afar for all those years began to soften my tough little girl. Yesterday at church she approached one of those lovely people, of her own accord and gave him a hug. For those of you who know my girl, you all know that this was nothing short of amazing, her walls slowly coming down and allowing people to love her. Be soft and gentle Megan, just as one book tells me thats the meaning of your name. It's the best way to live as I too am slowly but surely realizing. I'm grateful for the way God teaches us, His love is limitless.

Compassionate

I think if I were given the task of describing myself with just one word that word would be compassionate. Passion being the root of the word just as I consider it to be my root. Too much passion if you ask me, but there it is each and every day. I never know quite what to do with it. I do know that a poem titled "Nobody Nowhere" written by an autistic author named Donna Williams pulls at my heart. I hope others will enjoy it also. Just click on the title of this blog and it will take you to her poem.

What about now?

It's pleasing to tell of the good things.
What about the bad?
Hush! No one wants to hear.
Find your own way through.
Lean on the Lord.
Ignore the nasty thoughts that haunt you by day and by night.
Reach out, but don't hold on too tightly, don't infect my space.
Let me be, let me enjoy what I can, I have no idea what to offer you.
One day it will all be perfect, none of us will have to fret.
But, what about now??

The man that I love

Just when I think I really understand the man that I love, he surprises me in some wonderful way.
It's taken me a while to really "get" him.
He communicates in a most unusual way.
He offers all of himself without hesitation or fear.
The generosity of this offer overwhelms me sometimes.
When I first met him I'd offer nothing more than what I was sure would not be used against me.
He uses nothing against me.
There are no games, just genuine love and consideration.
Amazing!

Opportunity?

When the dentist's assistant told my girl that she would have to wear headgear with her braces she laughed. Then, upon realizing that the woman was serious, gave her one of the dirtiest looks that I ever have seen. She then turned to me and said that she would not be needing braces. The assistant and I just kept looking at one another, feeling sorry for my daughter but also trying to help her be reasonable. She wasn't even the slightest bit consoled by the fact that the headgear wouldn't need to be worn to school. I told my daughter to take advantage of this opportunity because she would probably be well into her adulthood before she could afford to do it herself. This reasoning seemed very logical to me but she wasn't going for it. Too bad they can't make braces with headgear a really cool combination. Can anybody think of a way to do that???

Driving With the Windows Rolled Down

It is the perfect temperature outside tonight! I just came back from the video store with all the windows rolled down and the warm night air enveloping me. It made me remember the first winter I spent here in Texas, I would roll my windows all the way down at night in December and January just because I could. Its luxiourious to be so comfortable, I love the feeling!

Fighter?

My sister told me that I was a fighter, just like my name, and that I always have been. Its true and I know it. Once I decide what I'm going for, being it positive or negative, I run headlong at it until its mine. I get down, so down sometimes that I detest my own thoughts. Underneath that though is a song that plays. The only words are "I will find my way through this." I don't doubt my song in the least. I have a bottomless pit of attitude, always have. The only problem with being a fighter as far as I can tell is that at times I forget to check with the Lord on whether or not I am fighting for the right thing. I'm checking tonight, Lord.

Live on.....

A dear friend of my dear friends died a couple of weeks ago. When I heard about Nathan's death I felt led to attend his service, even though I'd never met him. I argued with that thought and with God as I prayed for the service, the family and whether or not I should attend. I consulted my sisters and all were in agreement that it would be a fine idea for me to go. As I walked in the church there was a large black and white photo of Nathan with his wife and child. At the bottom of the photo was written the date of his birth and death....he was only 23 years old. The wave of sadness that overcame made me a bit shaky. I knew that Nathan, along with many of his family members were Christians, so many would be at peace knowing that he was home. I still couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the fact that he was taken so young. The service was a celebration of his life and a reminder to all who were there to live and live fully, the way that Nathan always had. It impacted me deeply. I wept for the loss to his wife, child, and extended family but at the same time took comfort in God's promise that he is home with Him. Today I embrace the life that I've been given, I am remembering the zeal that I forgot due to my laziness. I am forever grateful for the moments I shared with Nathan and his family this weekend.

Trying to get into .......

I am so blah lately, I want my zeal back. I believe that happiness is a choice not an emotion but why do I have to keep re-- choosing it everyday? I will figure this out...that's the one thing that I know for sure.

Come In?
I'm surrounded by people but I'm always alone.
My walls are so thick but shiny like chrome.
Wanna come in? Can you face the test?
Oh, it's not worth it, let's move on to the next.
A more willing soul, one not tainted and twisted by pain.
The good ones don't need to see;its far too perverse.
The bad know already, in fact, some are troubled far worse.

I don't like it when things are too easy. I find no comfort or satisfaction in gaining something with too little effort. Oh sure I get worn down at times but it seems the more run down I feel now, the more strength I feel during the next not so easy task. I love the feeling of being exhausted when I fall into bed at night. I love the kind of exhaustion that makes me practically cry at the thought of having to get out of bed to brush my teeth that I forgot due to such exhaustion. I am a complicated mess, and thats ok...........I added that last line after remembering what my last post was...how funny!

Why am I doing this? Ramblings by Rocky
I want to learn or so I told myself, who am I kidding? I am not a scholar, could never be one. I loved learning at first but now its beginning to overwhelm me. I want to work, but all the work that I am qualified for sounds horrible, so I continue to learn. Where is the end? Its no where near, I can tell that much for sure. Am I too old for this? I know of older students than me. I can't talk like the other students talk, I don't have any confident answers to offer. These are the thoughts that have been rumbling around in my head all day. I'm tired today.

Birthday party happenings that continue to make me smile.
1.The way Annie hugged Zach as he was opening the b-day gift that she had picked out for him.
2.The way Seth was almost pulsating with joy as he helped Zach open his gifts.
3.The way that Shawn patiently tried to restrain his brother Seth's pulsating joy, so that it wasn't too overwhelming.
4.Megan and any interaction that she has with the younger kids as she tries to stay aloof while being loving towards them at the same time.
5.Kirsty's home-made skateboard cake for her son.
6.Zach, Thomas, Shawn, and Seth screaming at the top of their lungs while beating each other up on Super Mario Smash Bro's.
7.Uncle Dickie and Little Scottie hiding dominos from each other.
8. Families enjoying each other as they celebrate together........It was a great night.

Nobody Knows
I am a large person, and have been for most of my life. I worked hard to lose some of myself but have been at a standstill for some time now. When I talk about myself and my size with my nieces and nephews and various other small children I like to joke about how squishy I am or how fun it is to poke my "blub" as I lovingly refer to my side fat. They laugh hysterically and so do I as they continue to see if they can hide their whole fingers in my squishyness. I have been reprimanded more than once for referring to myself as fat or for calling my side fat by a nick name. I don't see why this should be an issue as long as I am ok with it all. Now I am not ok with weighing too much and will continue with my attempts to shrink my size but, in the meantime lets all just be ok with whatever name we should so choose for our bodies. Its all mine, I might as well enjoy the good parts ...like making the kids giggle.

Insecurities...
I have taken on the role of head of household at the Beans. I drove my bubbly sister, Kirsty, and her quirky husband Scott to the airport today. They are flying over the atlantic as I post this, heading for England. Kirsty made up a song as we drove and it went something like this. " I am on my way to the airport to get in a plane and fly over the ocean to England, I have never done it before and I am really really excited, I am leaving all my cares behind." I am happy for her but cannot relate to her excitement over a 10 hour plane ride. Go Beans!!

I never see my niece Abbie looking insecure, I know she has been a time a two but she works really hard at hiding it. She asked me 10 million questions tonight, wanting me to map out ever detail of the next week and a half. I did the best I could but kept telling her that we would find our way and that all appointments would be met even with mom and dad gone. She went to bed wide eyed, looking very nervous. We prayed and she hugged me but I still get the feeling that she is not so sure about this arrangement. I will do my best to ease her fears.

Zach wanted me to show him on the map how far his parents had flown by the time he was going to bed. He is working very hard at being the man of the family, he took his dads words to heart. What a wonderful house full of Beans!!

After a long break from posting on my blog, I am encoured by the prompts from my brother-in-law to get started again. Thanks Bean.

I am allergic to cats along with many other things that I haven't been tested for, but time and time again when I am around a cat, I get an allergy attack.
My daughter who prefers animals over people came home begging for a kitten recently. She told me that she'd been thinking and her theory was that if I was around cats continually, I would build an immunity and not be allergic anymore. I know it doesn't work this way. I also know that sometimes while looking into a pair of the most beautiful dark blue eyes that I've ever seen I lose all sense of reason. We have an adorable kitten living here. It makes us laugh with its antics. It also makes me cry if I get too close. My daughter is happier than she has been in ages. I am itchy and sneezy but thats the way that I am most of the time anyway. Its all good.

I am in Klamath Falls, Oregon. The town I called home for most of my life. This place is stilled filled with many people that I love but I have never felt more out of place in my life.
For many years I was trapped in my home consumed by my fears and I am pretty sure that I know why now.
I never knew love and support the way that I know it now, thanks to all of my family and friends back HOME in Dallas. I am bawling as I write this post because I am so homesick.
The mantra of my life has returned, now stronger than ever......Live every moment no matter how big or how small.....
I am living and loving every moment that I am here, I am also learning through it all.
I pray continually for several of the people that I love, here in Klamath, to try this mantra out just once.

Love....
I have been known to say that love sucks, when I do say this I am referring to the kind of love that most of the world knows. I grew up a hateful person, I didn't care who was in pain as long as it wasn't me. I didn't wish hurt on others but I would never go out of my way to watch my tongue or actions because I felt a right to get whatever I needed in the moment. My thought used to be , nobody else will get it for me so I'll take it by whatever means necessary. As far as I was concerned I was entitled to everything my heart desired or my flesh lusted after.
I know of a much different kind of love now. The love of my Savior that teaches me new depths of His love when I ask for it, and even when I rant and rave for it. I am once again in awe of how perfect His love for us is. Today I am basking in His endless compassion.

I moved into the Linebarger home today to care for their children while they are out of the country. It's been a good but busy day. Mothering teenagers is much different from mothering younger children, (they actually want some attention). My first few hours with the girls were spent in a mini-van taking everyone where they needed to go. This is also a very different experience from driving around with my daughter. They had lots of questions for me, usually I am prying conversation out of my passenger, they had lots of ideas on what we should eat for dinner and not one girl could agree with the other. They all finally agreed to let me decide. The night came together very nicely though when after bedtime prayers and hugs Grace looked up at me and said, "you are kinda like my mom now"....I take this as a nice compliment considering that her mother truly inspires me with the caring way that she mothers her girls. I told Grace that I was just the pretend mom and that I would take care of her till the real one got back. We both giggled.