Real?

I don't feel real. It's as if I am trapped in the wrong place and at the wrong time. That statement doesn't even make sense but its the only way that I can think of to say it. I wander through life going through the motions.I never know what to do. I keep thinking one day I will be certain in the choices that I make.  But I never am. I know why I'm this way but I don't know how to overcome it or at least rest in it. It is just the way I am.

The need to be known

What does it look like this need to be known?
A smile along with an encouraging word that tells the world you want to be known.
That is the norm for all who can smile and show this desire.
What if it shows up as over anxious talk and the inability to meet your stare?
Does it make it any less powerful a desire than those who can talk your talk?
It can be so different for everyone but I think that all of us share it just the same.

Some who need to be known block the process at every turn just with the emotion or lack there of thus causing the other who is supposed to be looking to turn away instead.
Some are so overwhelmed that they become dumbstruck at the first sign that someone is noticing them or a reaction that they may have had.

I need to be known and tonight I am vowing to be watching for others who share this need. I have been holding back waiting for someone to notice, but I noticed a long time ago and now the work begins.

Silence

I was faithful beyond comprehension to a man who could care less about me.

I rooted this faithfulness on the words that he said to me, he knew what to say to keep me hanging on even when there was nothing whatsoever left to hang on to.

This is because I am scared of silence, I always have been. There is too much unknowing in silence. Something will spring out of it if it’s not filled and soon. That is what I have always thought. It’s deep seeded in me and I know where it comes from but what good has that done me???

I am trying today to find peace in the silence, the void, because I believe that is truly what I’ve been afraid of for so long. The peace that is offered, I’m not good enough for it somehow.

Tree Trimming

Last night, Megan and I set up our little white Christmas tree while we watched the cartoon version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. We hung our stockings and reminisced over where we got the ornaments as we hung them. There is something so comforting in the tradition. A tangible tie to all the Christmases that have past.
It's also a hard time because of the divorce, we always find ornaments that remind us of the separation from the Christmases that have past. This year we didn't sort through the ones from many years gone by just they ones from our past here in Texas.
We enjoyed each other, admired our tree, and yelled at the cat so that she would stay off our tree. It was a nice night.

Thank you, God.

From Grease to Mama Mia

The first musical I remember watching was Grease, my eleven year old self left that theater feeling as if I could do anything that I wanted...anything.
I went and watched Mama Mia the other night and I absolutely loved it! Musicals make me feel triumphant, because when the actors sing a song with a enough emphasis and conviction it makes it seem as if they are really getting something accomplished. Usually I associate the accomplishment with a discovery and a discovery is always very exciting even if it has just the most fleeting of effects. I sometimes yearn to feel as triumphant as I did when I was eleven, the triumph that comes from new discoveries. I felt a little of that as I watched Mama Mia the other night, it was fun!

Nights like these

I finished my term paper for Historical Perspectives on Psychology earlier this afternoon. I struggled and fussed with that paper longer than I like to admit. It is done now though and I feel no peace cause tomorrow there is more to handle and more to worry about than I'd like too. I feel so alone in this fight called life. I see other people enjoying it but I'm too closed down now, everything is just a hassle.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my son goes down to the mission to line up for food when he is hungry. I am so ashamed that he is living that way, just doing anything to get by. I can't seem to get over it.
There is so much pain in this life. I wish I could run away from it, but it always seems to follow. Oh, what I wouldn't do to change things for my son.
Everything happens for a reason, that's what I believe, that's what I have to hang on to, but it doesn't make it any easier on nights like these.

What Sissy and I Talked About

My precious BABY. Megan aka Sissy will always be MY baby. She wants to move forward, she has to. Life moves, its a rule. We grow and change constantly. When Sis was small she would come to me and ask what I wanted her to say, eat, or wear when the decision was just too hard for her to make. Sometimes she still asks what I think she should say, eat, or wear ....but not quite as often. She has made a big decision that I was consulted on and agreed to but now my insides are shaking. She has enough credits to graduate early if she takes a night class this term. She wants out of high school, she's done with it. High school has never really been her thing anyway and she wants out as quick as she can. She decided to get her associates degree at a community college and then transfer her credits to a university later. When I got up this morning she had print-outs from various community colleges here and in Oregon, she stayed up late doing research about them. I just assumed when she said community college she meant here in Texas. I was excited because that gave me some more time to get used to this growing up thing she keeps doing. Since she is young, I still have some pull. I think its best she stay here and go to college, at least until she is 18. Sissy, could you just ask me what to say, eat, or wear? Those are the decisions I am good at.