Live on.....

A dear friend of my dear friends died a couple of weeks ago. When I heard about Nathan's death I felt led to attend his service, even though I'd never met him. I argued with that thought and with God as I prayed for the service, the family and whether or not I should attend. I consulted my sisters and all were in agreement that it would be a fine idea for me to go. As I walked in the church there was a large black and white photo of Nathan with his wife and child. At the bottom of the photo was written the date of his birth and death....he was only 23 years old. The wave of sadness that overcame made me a bit shaky. I knew that Nathan, along with many of his family members were Christians, so many would be at peace knowing that he was home. I still couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the fact that he was taken so young. The service was a celebration of his life and a reminder to all who were there to live and live fully, the way that Nathan always had. It impacted me deeply. I wept for the loss to his wife, child, and extended family but at the same time took comfort in God's promise that he is home with Him. Today I embrace the life that I've been given, I am remembering the zeal that I forgot due to my laziness. I am forever grateful for the moments I shared with Nathan and his family this weekend.

Trying to get into .......

I am so blah lately, I want my zeal back. I believe that happiness is a choice not an emotion but why do I have to keep re-- choosing it everyday? I will figure this out...that's the one thing that I know for sure.

Come In?
I'm surrounded by people but I'm always alone.
My walls are so thick but shiny like chrome.
Wanna come in? Can you face the test?
Oh, it's not worth it, let's move on to the next.
A more willing soul, one not tainted and twisted by pain.
The good ones don't need to see;its far too perverse.
The bad know already, in fact, some are troubled far worse.

I don't like it when things are too easy. I find no comfort or satisfaction in gaining something with too little effort. Oh sure I get worn down at times but it seems the more run down I feel now, the more strength I feel during the next not so easy task. I love the feeling of being exhausted when I fall into bed at night. I love the kind of exhaustion that makes me practically cry at the thought of having to get out of bed to brush my teeth that I forgot due to such exhaustion. I am a complicated mess, and thats ok...........I added that last line after remembering what my last post was...how funny!

Why am I doing this? Ramblings by Rocky
I want to learn or so I told myself, who am I kidding? I am not a scholar, could never be one. I loved learning at first but now its beginning to overwhelm me. I want to work, but all the work that I am qualified for sounds horrible, so I continue to learn. Where is the end? Its no where near, I can tell that much for sure. Am I too old for this? I know of older students than me. I can't talk like the other students talk, I don't have any confident answers to offer. These are the thoughts that have been rumbling around in my head all day. I'm tired today.

Birthday party happenings that continue to make me smile.
1.The way Annie hugged Zach as he was opening the b-day gift that she had picked out for him.
2.The way Seth was almost pulsating with joy as he helped Zach open his gifts.
3.The way that Shawn patiently tried to restrain his brother Seth's pulsating joy, so that it wasn't too overwhelming.
4.Megan and any interaction that she has with the younger kids as she tries to stay aloof while being loving towards them at the same time.
5.Kirsty's home-made skateboard cake for her son.
6.Zach, Thomas, Shawn, and Seth screaming at the top of their lungs while beating each other up on Super Mario Smash Bro's.
7.Uncle Dickie and Little Scottie hiding dominos from each other.
8. Families enjoying each other as they celebrate together........It was a great night.

Nobody Knows
I am a large person, and have been for most of my life. I worked hard to lose some of myself but have been at a standstill for some time now. When I talk about myself and my size with my nieces and nephews and various other small children I like to joke about how squishy I am or how fun it is to poke my "blub" as I lovingly refer to my side fat. They laugh hysterically and so do I as they continue to see if they can hide their whole fingers in my squishyness. I have been reprimanded more than once for referring to myself as fat or for calling my side fat by a nick name. I don't see why this should be an issue as long as I am ok with it all. Now I am not ok with weighing too much and will continue with my attempts to shrink my size but, in the meantime lets all just be ok with whatever name we should so choose for our bodies. Its all mine, I might as well enjoy the good parts ...like making the kids giggle.

Insecurities...
I have taken on the role of head of household at the Beans. I drove my bubbly sister, Kirsty, and her quirky husband Scott to the airport today. They are flying over the atlantic as I post this, heading for England. Kirsty made up a song as we drove and it went something like this. " I am on my way to the airport to get in a plane and fly over the ocean to England, I have never done it before and I am really really excited, I am leaving all my cares behind." I am happy for her but cannot relate to her excitement over a 10 hour plane ride. Go Beans!!

I never see my niece Abbie looking insecure, I know she has been a time a two but she works really hard at hiding it. She asked me 10 million questions tonight, wanting me to map out ever detail of the next week and a half. I did the best I could but kept telling her that we would find our way and that all appointments would be met even with mom and dad gone. She went to bed wide eyed, looking very nervous. We prayed and she hugged me but I still get the feeling that she is not so sure about this arrangement. I will do my best to ease her fears.

Zach wanted me to show him on the map how far his parents had flown by the time he was going to bed. He is working very hard at being the man of the family, he took his dads words to heart. What a wonderful house full of Beans!!

After a long break from posting on my blog, I am encoured by the prompts from my brother-in-law to get started again. Thanks Bean.

I am allergic to cats along with many other things that I haven't been tested for, but time and time again when I am around a cat, I get an allergy attack.
My daughter who prefers animals over people came home begging for a kitten recently. She told me that she'd been thinking and her theory was that if I was around cats continually, I would build an immunity and not be allergic anymore. I know it doesn't work this way. I also know that sometimes while looking into a pair of the most beautiful dark blue eyes that I've ever seen I lose all sense of reason. We have an adorable kitten living here. It makes us laugh with its antics. It also makes me cry if I get too close. My daughter is happier than she has been in ages. I am itchy and sneezy but thats the way that I am most of the time anyway. Its all good.

I am in Klamath Falls, Oregon. The town I called home for most of my life. This place is stilled filled with many people that I love but I have never felt more out of place in my life.
For many years I was trapped in my home consumed by my fears and I am pretty sure that I know why now.
I never knew love and support the way that I know it now, thanks to all of my family and friends back HOME in Dallas. I am bawling as I write this post because I am so homesick.
The mantra of my life has returned, now stronger than ever......Live every moment no matter how big or how small.....
I am living and loving every moment that I am here, I am also learning through it all.
I pray continually for several of the people that I love, here in Klamath, to try this mantra out just once.

Love....
I have been known to say that love sucks, when I do say this I am referring to the kind of love that most of the world knows. I grew up a hateful person, I didn't care who was in pain as long as it wasn't me. I didn't wish hurt on others but I would never go out of my way to watch my tongue or actions because I felt a right to get whatever I needed in the moment. My thought used to be , nobody else will get it for me so I'll take it by whatever means necessary. As far as I was concerned I was entitled to everything my heart desired or my flesh lusted after.
I know of a much different kind of love now. The love of my Savior that teaches me new depths of His love when I ask for it, and even when I rant and rave for it. I am once again in awe of how perfect His love for us is. Today I am basking in His endless compassion.

I moved into the Linebarger home today to care for their children while they are out of the country. It's been a good but busy day. Mothering teenagers is much different from mothering younger children, (they actually want some attention). My first few hours with the girls were spent in a mini-van taking everyone where they needed to go. This is also a very different experience from driving around with my daughter. They had lots of questions for me, usually I am prying conversation out of my passenger, they had lots of ideas on what we should eat for dinner and not one girl could agree with the other. They all finally agreed to let me decide. The night came together very nicely though when after bedtime prayers and hugs Grace looked up at me and said, "you are kinda like my mom now"....I take this as a nice compliment considering that her mother truly inspires me with the caring way that she mothers her girls. I told Grace that I was just the pretend mom and that I would take care of her till the real one got back. We both giggled.

Two classes left!! I will be a college graduate as of Wednesday when I will have officially completed all requirements towards my Associate in Arts degree. This has been a little longer road for me than for some of my 19 year old counterparts who take 20 hours, work full time, party, know everything there is to know about everything anyone could ever want to know anything about, and do it all while talking on their cell phones. The only thing that I had in common with many of my fellow students was the fact that once, I too, knew it all. There are still days that I like to claim that I actually do, but God taught me several years ago that is simply not the case. (thankfully)

The doctor said bunyons, bone spurs, and arthritis.
Oh, great just what I wanted to hear! One sore spot on my foot and this is the diagnosis I get? Don't worry though, he said that if the treatments he gave me to try don't work I can just have surgery....NOT EVEN....I told him not to worry I would make the treatments work. I am not sure how many of you know it, but I am all powerful that way, or maybe I am just really stubborn. It's more likely to be something along those lines.

"As for your children that you said would be taken as plunder. I will bring them in to enjoy the land you have rejected."
Numbers 14:31

The way it is...
My son told my sister yesterday that Rocky couldn't be replaced, yes he calls me Rocky and has since the divorce.....but today that fact seems irrelevent. Today, I am grateful for sweet little remarks.

Same...
Some of the things that I am most thankful for are the same things that make me the most angry ....losses which lead to lessens and pains that lead to growth.

Beautiful nights with fireflies.

I grew up in Oregon and had only heard about fireflies but never got to experience them in all their glory until I moved to Texas. Tonight was yet another beautiful night that I had the privledge to share with one of my sisters and our good friend. Some would say there was nothing memorable about an hour or so taken out of one day to snap some pictures and eat fast food in a park. I say that these little details shared amongst friends mean everything. As we watched the sunsetting over the Dallas skyline my eyes drifted to the activity of the fireflies hovering over the grass. I am amazed at the bright light those tiny little bugs can emit. You have to pay close attention, though since that can't seem to let it shine for very long. I wonder why they shine, what purpose does it serve? I like to think they shine just for me to enjoy. Oh and for my sis and friend.