What Sissy and I Talked About

My precious BABY. Megan aka Sissy will always be MY baby. She wants to move forward, she has to. Life moves, its a rule. We grow and change constantly. When Sis was small she would come to me and ask what I wanted her to say, eat, or wear when the decision was just too hard for her to make. Sometimes she still asks what I think she should say, eat, or wear ....but not quite as often. She has made a big decision that I was consulted on and agreed to but now my insides are shaking. She has enough credits to graduate early if she takes a night class this term. She wants out of high school, she's done with it. High school has never really been her thing anyway and she wants out as quick as she can. She decided to get her associates degree at a community college and then transfer her credits to a university later. When I got up this morning she had print-outs from various community colleges here and in Oregon, she stayed up late doing research about them. I just assumed when she said community college she meant here in Texas. I was excited because that gave me some more time to get used to this growing up thing she keeps doing. Since she is young, I still have some pull. I think its best she stay here and go to college, at least until she is 18. Sissy, could you just ask me what to say, eat, or wear? Those are the decisions I am good at.

Riding the bus

I am a basket case, well at the very least a stressed out mess. I'm good with this fact most of the time, but because of it I must find ways not to stress myself anymore than usual. One way I've started doing that lately is by riding the bus to school. I travel 40 miles round-trip to my school three times a week. Last term this stressed me out because I was having a terrible time paying for the gas. I've found the bus has relieved my stress in more ways than just financially. I love the ride, it takes me 1 hour and 25 minutes to get to school and I have all this time to read and listen to my music. Its perfect for me because I never take enough time to just listen to music, too busy stressing myself out, and also because I am getting so much more reading done both for school and for pleasure. It's funny to me how I will only do the things that I enjoy when I am forced in to them, like during the long bus ride. Hmmmm, very interesting.

OK, maybe 38 is older.

I have refused to acknowledge the fact that I am aging just as everyone else does. Tonight I surrender!
Meg and I wanted to order pizza for her dinner and I was planning on leaving the house. I didn't want to leave my debit/credit card with her so I told her to ask if the pizza place would take a check. Megan did so and the girl on the other end of the phone asked: "a what?"Megan said "a check, you know to pay for the food, will you take a check?" The girl on the other end of the phone replied "oh, them we don't take them."
Now I realise that checks are quickly becoming obsolete but for the teenage pizza girl not to even know what it was? Come on...for Pete's sake... what the heck? Maybe it's just me but things sure do change quickly, don't they? Oh probably not, I am just trying to hang on to what is familiar I guess.

One small step across the country, one giant leap for my baby girl

I am a person of great extremes, my baby girl however is not. She has rode the waves of my guidance be it good and bad. There are many days that I pray for her to be strong, safe and more intelligent than I have been at making her life decisions. I came to Dallas to be near some of the greatest people that I know. It was an easy decision for me to come to because thats how I do things, in great leaps I decide, hmmm I think I'll pack up the half of my family that I am still allowed to live with, sell everything I own except what fits in my wonderful old Chrysler and move two thousand and some odd miles away from the town I thought I'd never leave. I didn't get truly scared until I'd been here awhile, then I started worrying that I'd made a huge mistake. Megan made it perfectly clear that she thought I had. Slowly but surely the love that helped raise my sisters and touched me from afar for all those years began to soften my tough little girl. Yesterday at church she approached one of those lovely people, of her own accord and gave him a hug. For those of you who know my girl, you all know that this was nothing short of amazing, her walls slowly coming down and allowing people to love her. Be soft and gentle Megan, just as one book tells me thats the meaning of your name. It's the best way to live as I too am slowly but surely realizing. I'm grateful for the way God teaches us, His love is limitless.

Compassionate

I think if I were given the task of describing myself with just one word that word would be compassionate. Passion being the root of the word just as I consider it to be my root. Too much passion if you ask me, but there it is each and every day. I never know quite what to do with it. I do know that a poem titled "Nobody Nowhere" written by an autistic author named Donna Williams pulls at my heart. I hope others will enjoy it also. Just click on the title of this blog and it will take you to her poem.

What about now?

It's pleasing to tell of the good things.
What about the bad?
Hush! No one wants to hear.
Find your own way through.
Lean on the Lord.
Ignore the nasty thoughts that haunt you by day and by night.
Reach out, but don't hold on too tightly, don't infect my space.
Let me be, let me enjoy what I can, I have no idea what to offer you.
One day it will all be perfect, none of us will have to fret.
But, what about now??

The man that I love

Just when I think I really understand the man that I love, he surprises me in some wonderful way.
It's taken me a while to really "get" him.
He communicates in a most unusual way.
He offers all of himself without hesitation or fear.
The generosity of this offer overwhelms me sometimes.
When I first met him I'd offer nothing more than what I was sure would not be used against me.
He uses nothing against me.
There are no games, just genuine love and consideration.
Amazing!

Opportunity?

When the dentist's assistant told my girl that she would have to wear headgear with her braces she laughed. Then, upon realizing that the woman was serious, gave her one of the dirtiest looks that I ever have seen. She then turned to me and said that she would not be needing braces. The assistant and I just kept looking at one another, feeling sorry for my daughter but also trying to help her be reasonable. She wasn't even the slightest bit consoled by the fact that the headgear wouldn't need to be worn to school. I told my daughter to take advantage of this opportunity because she would probably be well into her adulthood before she could afford to do it herself. This reasoning seemed very logical to me but she wasn't going for it. Too bad they can't make braces with headgear a really cool combination. Can anybody think of a way to do that???

Driving With the Windows Rolled Down

It is the perfect temperature outside tonight! I just came back from the video store with all the windows rolled down and the warm night air enveloping me. It made me remember the first winter I spent here in Texas, I would roll my windows all the way down at night in December and January just because I could. Its luxiourious to be so comfortable, I love the feeling!

Fighter?

My sister told me that I was a fighter, just like my name, and that I always have been. Its true and I know it. Once I decide what I'm going for, being it positive or negative, I run headlong at it until its mine. I get down, so down sometimes that I detest my own thoughts. Underneath that though is a song that plays. The only words are "I will find my way through this." I don't doubt my song in the least. I have a bottomless pit of attitude, always have. The only problem with being a fighter as far as I can tell is that at times I forget to check with the Lord on whether or not I am fighting for the right thing. I'm checking tonight, Lord.