The need to be known

What does it look like this need to be known?
A smile along with an encouraging word that tells the world you want to be known.
That is the norm for all who can smile and show this desire.
What if it shows up as over anxious talk and the inability to meet your stare?
Does it make it any less powerful a desire than those who can talk your talk?
It can be so different for everyone but I think that all of us share it just the same.

Some who need to be known block the process at every turn just with the emotion or lack there of thus causing the other who is supposed to be looking to turn away instead.
Some are so overwhelmed that they become dumbstruck at the first sign that someone is noticing them or a reaction that they may have had.

I need to be known and tonight I am vowing to be watching for others who share this need. I have been holding back waiting for someone to notice, but I noticed a long time ago and now the work begins.

Silence

I was faithful beyond comprehension to a man who could care less about me.

I rooted this faithfulness on the words that he said to me, he knew what to say to keep me hanging on even when there was nothing whatsoever left to hang on to.

This is because I am scared of silence, I always have been. There is too much unknowing in silence. Something will spring out of it if it’s not filled and soon. That is what I have always thought. It’s deep seeded in me and I know where it comes from but what good has that done me???

I am trying today to find peace in the silence, the void, because I believe that is truly what I’ve been afraid of for so long. The peace that is offered, I’m not good enough for it somehow.

Tree Trimming

Last night, Megan and I set up our little white Christmas tree while we watched the cartoon version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. We hung our stockings and reminisced over where we got the ornaments as we hung them. There is something so comforting in the tradition. A tangible tie to all the Christmases that have past.
It's also a hard time because of the divorce, we always find ornaments that remind us of the separation from the Christmases that have past. This year we didn't sort through the ones from many years gone by just they ones from our past here in Texas.
We enjoyed each other, admired our tree, and yelled at the cat so that she would stay off our tree. It was a nice night.

Thank you, God.

From Grease to Mama Mia

The first musical I remember watching was Grease, my eleven year old self left that theater feeling as if I could do anything that I wanted...anything.
I went and watched Mama Mia the other night and I absolutely loved it! Musicals make me feel triumphant, because when the actors sing a song with a enough emphasis and conviction it makes it seem as if they are really getting something accomplished. Usually I associate the accomplishment with a discovery and a discovery is always very exciting even if it has just the most fleeting of effects. I sometimes yearn to feel as triumphant as I did when I was eleven, the triumph that comes from new discoveries. I felt a little of that as I watched Mama Mia the other night, it was fun!

Nights like these

I finished my term paper for Historical Perspectives on Psychology earlier this afternoon. I struggled and fussed with that paper longer than I like to admit. It is done now though and I feel no peace cause tomorrow there is more to handle and more to worry about than I'd like too. I feel so alone in this fight called life. I see other people enjoying it but I'm too closed down now, everything is just a hassle.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my son goes down to the mission to line up for food when he is hungry. I am so ashamed that he is living that way, just doing anything to get by. I can't seem to get over it.
There is so much pain in this life. I wish I could run away from it, but it always seems to follow. Oh, what I wouldn't do to change things for my son.
Everything happens for a reason, that's what I believe, that's what I have to hang on to, but it doesn't make it any easier on nights like these.

What Sissy and I Talked About

My precious BABY. Megan aka Sissy will always be MY baby. She wants to move forward, she has to. Life moves, its a rule. We grow and change constantly. When Sis was small she would come to me and ask what I wanted her to say, eat, or wear when the decision was just too hard for her to make. Sometimes she still asks what I think she should say, eat, or wear ....but not quite as often. She has made a big decision that I was consulted on and agreed to but now my insides are shaking. She has enough credits to graduate early if she takes a night class this term. She wants out of high school, she's done with it. High school has never really been her thing anyway and she wants out as quick as she can. She decided to get her associates degree at a community college and then transfer her credits to a university later. When I got up this morning she had print-outs from various community colleges here and in Oregon, she stayed up late doing research about them. I just assumed when she said community college she meant here in Texas. I was excited because that gave me some more time to get used to this growing up thing she keeps doing. Since she is young, I still have some pull. I think its best she stay here and go to college, at least until she is 18. Sissy, could you just ask me what to say, eat, or wear? Those are the decisions I am good at.

Riding the bus

I am a basket case, well at the very least a stressed out mess. I'm good with this fact most of the time, but because of it I must find ways not to stress myself anymore than usual. One way I've started doing that lately is by riding the bus to school. I travel 40 miles round-trip to my school three times a week. Last term this stressed me out because I was having a terrible time paying for the gas. I've found the bus has relieved my stress in more ways than just financially. I love the ride, it takes me 1 hour and 25 minutes to get to school and I have all this time to read and listen to my music. Its perfect for me because I never take enough time to just listen to music, too busy stressing myself out, and also because I am getting so much more reading done both for school and for pleasure. It's funny to me how I will only do the things that I enjoy when I am forced in to them, like during the long bus ride. Hmmmm, very interesting.

OK, maybe 38 is older.

I have refused to acknowledge the fact that I am aging just as everyone else does. Tonight I surrender!
Meg and I wanted to order pizza for her dinner and I was planning on leaving the house. I didn't want to leave my debit/credit card with her so I told her to ask if the pizza place would take a check. Megan did so and the girl on the other end of the phone asked: "a what?"Megan said "a check, you know to pay for the food, will you take a check?" The girl on the other end of the phone replied "oh, them we don't take them."
Now I realise that checks are quickly becoming obsolete but for the teenage pizza girl not to even know what it was? Come on...for Pete's sake... what the heck? Maybe it's just me but things sure do change quickly, don't they? Oh probably not, I am just trying to hang on to what is familiar I guess.

One small step across the country, one giant leap for my baby girl

I am a person of great extremes, my baby girl however is not. She has rode the waves of my guidance be it good and bad. There are many days that I pray for her to be strong, safe and more intelligent than I have been at making her life decisions. I came to Dallas to be near some of the greatest people that I know. It was an easy decision for me to come to because thats how I do things, in great leaps I decide, hmmm I think I'll pack up the half of my family that I am still allowed to live with, sell everything I own except what fits in my wonderful old Chrysler and move two thousand and some odd miles away from the town I thought I'd never leave. I didn't get truly scared until I'd been here awhile, then I started worrying that I'd made a huge mistake. Megan made it perfectly clear that she thought I had. Slowly but surely the love that helped raise my sisters and touched me from afar for all those years began to soften my tough little girl. Yesterday at church she approached one of those lovely people, of her own accord and gave him a hug. For those of you who know my girl, you all know that this was nothing short of amazing, her walls slowly coming down and allowing people to love her. Be soft and gentle Megan, just as one book tells me thats the meaning of your name. It's the best way to live as I too am slowly but surely realizing. I'm grateful for the way God teaches us, His love is limitless.

Compassionate

I think if I were given the task of describing myself with just one word that word would be compassionate. Passion being the root of the word just as I consider it to be my root. Too much passion if you ask me, but there it is each and every day. I never know quite what to do with it. I do know that a poem titled "Nobody Nowhere" written by an autistic author named Donna Williams pulls at my heart. I hope others will enjoy it also. Just click on the title of this blog and it will take you to her poem.

What about now?

It's pleasing to tell of the good things.
What about the bad?
Hush! No one wants to hear.
Find your own way through.
Lean on the Lord.
Ignore the nasty thoughts that haunt you by day and by night.
Reach out, but don't hold on too tightly, don't infect my space.
Let me be, let me enjoy what I can, I have no idea what to offer you.
One day it will all be perfect, none of us will have to fret.
But, what about now??

The man that I love

Just when I think I really understand the man that I love, he surprises me in some wonderful way.
It's taken me a while to really "get" him.
He communicates in a most unusual way.
He offers all of himself without hesitation or fear.
The generosity of this offer overwhelms me sometimes.
When I first met him I'd offer nothing more than what I was sure would not be used against me.
He uses nothing against me.
There are no games, just genuine love and consideration.
Amazing!

Opportunity?

When the dentist's assistant told my girl that she would have to wear headgear with her braces she laughed. Then, upon realizing that the woman was serious, gave her one of the dirtiest looks that I ever have seen. She then turned to me and said that she would not be needing braces. The assistant and I just kept looking at one another, feeling sorry for my daughter but also trying to help her be reasonable. She wasn't even the slightest bit consoled by the fact that the headgear wouldn't need to be worn to school. I told my daughter to take advantage of this opportunity because she would probably be well into her adulthood before she could afford to do it herself. This reasoning seemed very logical to me but she wasn't going for it. Too bad they can't make braces with headgear a really cool combination. Can anybody think of a way to do that???

Driving With the Windows Rolled Down

It is the perfect temperature outside tonight! I just came back from the video store with all the windows rolled down and the warm night air enveloping me. It made me remember the first winter I spent here in Texas, I would roll my windows all the way down at night in December and January just because I could. Its luxiourious to be so comfortable, I love the feeling!

Fighter?

My sister told me that I was a fighter, just like my name, and that I always have been. Its true and I know it. Once I decide what I'm going for, being it positive or negative, I run headlong at it until its mine. I get down, so down sometimes that I detest my own thoughts. Underneath that though is a song that plays. The only words are "I will find my way through this." I don't doubt my song in the least. I have a bottomless pit of attitude, always have. The only problem with being a fighter as far as I can tell is that at times I forget to check with the Lord on whether or not I am fighting for the right thing. I'm checking tonight, Lord.

Live on.....

A dear friend of my dear friends died a couple of weeks ago. When I heard about Nathan's death I felt led to attend his service, even though I'd never met him. I argued with that thought and with God as I prayed for the service, the family and whether or not I should attend. I consulted my sisters and all were in agreement that it would be a fine idea for me to go. As I walked in the church there was a large black and white photo of Nathan with his wife and child. At the bottom of the photo was written the date of his birth and death....he was only 23 years old. The wave of sadness that overcame made me a bit shaky. I knew that Nathan, along with many of his family members were Christians, so many would be at peace knowing that he was home. I still couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the fact that he was taken so young. The service was a celebration of his life and a reminder to all who were there to live and live fully, the way that Nathan always had. It impacted me deeply. I wept for the loss to his wife, child, and extended family but at the same time took comfort in God's promise that he is home with Him. Today I embrace the life that I've been given, I am remembering the zeal that I forgot due to my laziness. I am forever grateful for the moments I shared with Nathan and his family this weekend.

Trying to get into .......

I am so blah lately, I want my zeal back. I believe that happiness is a choice not an emotion but why do I have to keep re-- choosing it everyday? I will figure this out...that's the one thing that I know for sure.

Come In?
I'm surrounded by people but I'm always alone.
My walls are so thick but shiny like chrome.
Wanna come in? Can you face the test?
Oh, it's not worth it, let's move on to the next.
A more willing soul, one not tainted and twisted by pain.
The good ones don't need to see;its far too perverse.
The bad know already, in fact, some are troubled far worse.

I don't like it when things are too easy. I find no comfort or satisfaction in gaining something with too little effort. Oh sure I get worn down at times but it seems the more run down I feel now, the more strength I feel during the next not so easy task. I love the feeling of being exhausted when I fall into bed at night. I love the kind of exhaustion that makes me practically cry at the thought of having to get out of bed to brush my teeth that I forgot due to such exhaustion. I am a complicated mess, and thats ok...........I added that last line after remembering what my last post was...how funny!

Why am I doing this? Ramblings by Rocky
I want to learn or so I told myself, who am I kidding? I am not a scholar, could never be one. I loved learning at first but now its beginning to overwhelm me. I want to work, but all the work that I am qualified for sounds horrible, so I continue to learn. Where is the end? Its no where near, I can tell that much for sure. Am I too old for this? I know of older students than me. I can't talk like the other students talk, I don't have any confident answers to offer. These are the thoughts that have been rumbling around in my head all day. I'm tired today.